synonymsforjane

When I set down the intention to face my trauma and go through the healing process…….I didn’t imagine the amount of sadness that would overwhelm me.

You know when you’ve committed to a pirate ship ride in a theme park?

It looks doable……. you watch groups of people do it while you queue for 45 mins. Even though you’re afraid, you psyche yourself up anyway and tell yourself “It can’t be that bad”.

Your turn comes, you’re actually excited!!! You buckle down, choosing the back row because Hey if we’re gonna do this shit, we might as well do it ALL THE WAY.

The ride starts, people start whooping, and you start to wiggle your legs in excitement, hands relaxed by your side. You can feel the adrenaline getting ready to have a party, and you quickly contemplate if you’re gonna be putting your hands up or not.

A mere 10 seconds later, you’ve gone through the first swing and you’re starting to regret your choice. You feel a nausea start building up in the pit of your stomach and you start looking left and right at other people, who seem to be doing COMPLETELY FINE while you’re freaking the fuck out.

By the time you’re on the 3rd swing, your palms are soaking wet, you can taste the FIVE GUYS burger you chomped down for lunch and there’s no way you’re getting out of this without throwing up on someone. You really wish you hadn’t taken the back row now.

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It’s a light-hearted metaphor to explain how I felt/still feel during the “depression stage” but hey – that’s how I cope. Bad humor, watching documentaries about how the world is going to end, and wishing it happens. 1 hour later, I start watching David Attenborough tell me how we should be saving the world because I feel guilty I wanted the world to burn up into ashes.

It’s a difficult place to navigate – sadness.

The crying…………..is so erratic. I literally cry at the most unexpected times.

I’m so glad I work from home……..because I would be so embarrassed and would basically be “having period blues” for 3 weeks straight.

Also, repeatedly listening to sad songs doesn’t really help, but it’s still better than listening to happy songs that you’re not feeling either.

I definitely feel better today……….after a combination of different things.

Therapy. Eating gelato. Talking to my friends. Getting a full refund for a flight i was gonna take but not anymore. Killing it at work. Meeting new people and getting inspired. Working on a passion project. Binge watching ‘Once Upon A Time’ and ‘The Bold Type’. Having Marco in my life. More therapy. More conversations. Long walks while dog sitting Mr Spock for 4 days (I think it was more like him human sitting me). Listening to Su lee’s songs. Reading up on narcissism and understanding why my ex’s actions severely contradicted his words. Eating more gelato. Watching funny videos. And last but not least – writing.

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I’m not sure if anyone can understand this. But when i start writing, something takes over and I’m no longer consciously writing. Not really.

The words take over, and I let myself emote through my writing.

Sometimes, I would read my posts just a day after, and not remember what I wrote. I surprise myself with the amount of clarity I seem to have, because I swear………on a day to day basis, it does NOT feel like that at all.

I still read a lot of my old posts, just to track how I was doing back then vs now and it still appalls me to know I wrote those things.

I suppose everyone expresses themselves differently. Some of us hold podcasts, some of us dive deep into art, some get tattoos, some sing, some dance, and some write. I’ve found that writing is my easiest way of expression. It might not be the best way, or the only way – but it is the easiest for me.

I encourage all of us to find your medium of expression.

Sometimes, even just writing out my pain would make me feel better. Of course, most of those posts are kept in my drafts. But yes. I would almost always feel better – even just a teeny bit helps sometimes. Something to make you feel like you’re the most useless person in the world.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to note down this one hour of me not feeling so sad.

I had a rather down day yesterday, leading to a lot of sobbing, not enough eating, and relying on friends for comfort. This morning, I woke up feeling pretty numb still, to everything. And then somehow, through the day, things have gotten a teeny tiny better.

🙂

I have just a bit more hope now, that I’ll start feeling much better soon.

Can’t wait till this persistent dark cloud over me will decide to pass over. For now, the forecast still reads – Cloudy with a chance of sadness. At least we know forecasts are hardly ever reliable.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow?