synonymsforjane

Yesterday I had a conversation with someone really close to me. And as I was trying to explain how I’ve been feeling recently, he said certain things that suddenly triggered some tears.

These few weeks, I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt a particular sadness. Perhaps not sadness, but a feeling of nostalgia.

I’ve enjoyed so much… Just spending time with my friends and family.

There have been moments where all time stands still, and I quietly take in the sights of them laughing, watch them glance at each other in love. I take one of their hands and grip it a little tighter. I sit back and I soak in these moments, trying to freeze them in time, and sear them into memory.

I think making a conscious decision to leave, and pursue the life I want, for the person I want to be, will inevitably put some distance between me and my loved ones. I know that bonds like these don’t break.

I know the friendships I have will withstand time and space. I know my family will always be there for me, as I’m always gonna be here for them. But can I really be? For every time they need me? For every small argument I can possible mediate? For every small achievement they celebrate together? I can’t help but feel sad already, for the moments I’m going to miss.

Still, I’m really happy I’m observing this moment. Because it’s that feeling you get before you leap off a cliff that really makes you feel alive, it’s in that moment of hesitation that tests your will. To jump or not to jump?

I’m jumping. Head first, feet later.