I’ve been instructed to go back to the dungeons and meet the dark night of my soul because apparently, there’s more healing to be done.

And so, I opened up the court documents today for the first time in 2+ years.

Jane did this. Jane did that. She left this out. She intentionally did that. “Oh I’m not at fault because even though I’m the third party, I had counseled her to work on her marriage, you know?! I’m the ultimate victim because she wanted to traumatize me by telling me sordid details of how my boyfriend, her husband at the time, and her had sex.”

It’s funny, but she completely forgot who the wife was. She completely forgot that my marriage had a whole life before she came into the picture. And yet she thought she was clever enough to know everything about us to conclude that “Jane this, Jane that”.

Woman. You didn’t know me then, and you sure don’t know me now.

She made many assumptions of my intentions and painted a whole picture of me that probably only she can interpret. For a second there, I almost felt sorry for her. And then i remembered that Karma is fair. Just as I have to meet my dark night, and pay for the actions of my life, just as how I have to own up to my own mistakes, her stress, anxiety, and her guilt is not my responsibility. She has to face herself and live with the consequences of her actions.

What was also amusing is the fact that she knew of her husband’s wrongdoings…..and yet, I was the one she brought to court. she even ended the court session by agreeing with the judge that “ya nowadays good men don’t exist. My father also says.” Eh then, why don’t you bring your husband to court. Why me?

That alone says enough.

It’s been 2.5 years, and back then, I thought the lesson that I needed to learn was how to be more compassionate and kinder. I thought I really did her wrong and that I deserved the inconvenience. Now, I don’t think that anymore. Reading the court documents with a clear mind…..now I understand why the judge told her she was wasting taxpayers’ money.

And also, where is Gideon in all of this?

He strung two women along, lied to both of us, mistreated the both of us, cheated on us both, used a ring to lock us down so he wouldn’t be emotionally alone. He couldn’t deal with his own finances and needed both of us to bail him out. His actions caused both of us so much trauma, sleepless nights, stress and anxiety. But he gets away scot free? He gets away sleeping soundly at night?

HA. If this is the dark night of the soul. It’s pretty wild.

I suppose through all of this, I somehow still feel very connected to an injustice. That it wasn’t “fair”. That somehow, the balance isn’t reached until something happens. But that’s just life – right?

There’s also a certain foolishness in me reacting to something she wrote 3 years ago. As foolish as her going to an acquaintance I knew once before just to dig up the fact that “Jane used to be very promiscuous like 12 years ago”.

Still, I think this projection of the past is happening to humble me. To show me I still have much to uncover. Like the pyramid, the real gold is within. And though we see a climb to the top, the pyramid is, in fact, an octahedron.

As much as we think we are rising above, we are really digging downwards and grounding. Find the source of these reactions and you retrieve back your power.

Taking back power, also means taking back control. I get to decide how I walk away from this injustice. I get to decide every day, to exercise. To drink enough water. To get enough sleep. To confide in friends, work on my interests, and soon enough, feel better about the whole situation. Life is messy. Nothing is fair. Life is cruel, but also amazing. Life gets to tear us apart, so we can quantum leap into a different reality. Life is fucking outrageous. And I love it.

“Don’t skip the steps,” my friend reminded, to which i typed back, “YA BUT HOW.” My impatience coming through.

There’s so much more to unpack and honestly I can’t say I see the point in this.

Maybe this isn’t the point. Maybe I’m not understanding what the dark night truly means.

Jinger, take the lead.