synonymsforjane

Gideon and I are sitting on a bench in Pasir ris Park.

I don’t remember why we are here. But we aren’t angry with each other. We’re talking nice. And he is telling me all about their family. He also tells me they still have some debt left. And immediately, I try to wire him some money.

The real action starts when, for some reason, Gideon and I make our way to a bat cave. Marianne is there. And so is my family.

I find marianne seated on a bench somewhere, and she is startled to see me and Gideon together. Gideon walks away to find my parents. And I approach marianne confidently.

“Gideon is the only other person that has felt like family, other than my own brother. He has amends to make with my family. But you and I are only enemies because he once lied and pit us against each other. Marianne, I don’t understand your insecurity towards me. But you have nothing to fear. The more bitterness I have against you, the more I can turn it into love. And I will always choose to love you instead of hate you. Even though you make that task incredibly hard sometimes.

Marianne doesn’t say anything but stands up and gives me a hug. She looks calm and happy. Her hands are warm but not clammy.

We walk over to where my family and Gideon are. My dad is giving him a hug, and my brother is shaking his hand. My mother is taking a photograph of the moment (lol)

Gideon was family to us. And he broke our hearts. But as family are, we always just wanted to have that chance to say goodbye. In the dream, Gideon gave them that chance. He said thank you, and sorry and goodbye.

And then we watch the river rising in the cave. And weirdly, there are cats coming into the cave to eat the bats. It’s a bloodshed. As the river water rises, suddenly alligators surface and some of the cats get eaten by them.

Then the bats start to drip blood, and we all get rained on by blood. We go outside into the world, and the sky is a deep dark blue with green swirls in it. The sun is no more, we have been living in darkness for a while. Everyone has that awareness that the world will not be the same again. The temperature is now 38 degrees at all times, and we have to wear cooling suits to regulate our body temperature. Nobody drives anymore. We all walk, or some of us ride horses. Nobody even works anymore.

This is how the world is ending. It is a dystopian world. And we are all dying. None of us can survive without technology helping us. And technology is slowly weeding out the weak.

Our material worries have left us all because everyone is only worried about one thing – the rising sea levels that is threatening to consume us all. Already, many countries have been completely submerged. Our food sources are all cultivated in the labs, and some lucky mountain people have built walls to prevent us from ever entering their cities.

We are the outcasts.

We are the future zombies.

We are not going to survive this.

But at least, there is no war, and everyone is busy trying to make peace before our souls move on after this morbid existence.

Beth the therapist is sitting across the room from Jane.

Jane is in an asylum. She was placed there for her own good – or so her family thought.

Usually, Jane shakes side to side, unable to concentrate on Beth’s words. But ever since they started her on CBD treatment, her nerves have calmed, and she has stopped ripping her fingernails out or trying to tear her ears off.

“Are you ready to talk about her?” Beth asks.

“Do you mean, am I ready to re-enter the maze and try to get out of it myself?”

“Tell me what the image of Marianne brings up for you, Jane”

Very calmly, eerily calmly, Jane whispers “Pain”

“Where does it feel painful?” Beth asks. “Point to the body part where it hurts the most”

Slowly but surely, without lifting her steely gaze at Beth, Jane lifts her hand and places her palm on her chest. “Here, in my chest…..and also….” Beth’s gaze follows Jane’s fingers that grip around her own throat. “Here”

“Why do you think she caused you pain?” Beth asks

” Because I thought she actually cared about me. But she didn’t. She only wanted to make sure she had won. She only came to check on me to give herself the assurance that she had put me in a weaker position. ” Jane says.

“Why do you think that?” Beth is carefully asking this question.

“Because I told her the truth about Gideon. I told her how much he had been lying to us about each other. She had trusted me for a second, and then immediately went back to Gideon’s side, believing in his lies again. I knew Gideon would pin it on me again, as he has done so many times before. But I thought she would realize that I was a victim to his narcissism, and that she would realize we are both the same. Instead, she gave me a fake hug and took a knife and stabbed me in the back”

” This maze that you’re entrapped in, where you constantly think of Marianne as the villain in the story. You know you can never get closure on this right? Even marianne herself had rightly pointed out – that we cannot get closure from our perpetrators. Tell me then, Jane. What do you want from staying in the maze of torture?” Beth asks.

” I don’t want to stay in the maze. I just keep getting sucked back into it. Every time I think I have escaped the maze, a trigger happens, and I plunge back into it all over again. The maze gets bigger and bigger, and I can never remember the way out.” Jane is starting to cry as she realizes how trapped she has been feeling.

” You’re doing well, Jane. That’s all you needed to do for today. Just acknowledging that it’s been difficult to be constantly dragged back into the loop. Just that acknowledgment will help you find some appreciation for yourself. And help you continue finding pearls to add into your collection of wisdom. Remember the 3 realities of life? What are they? ” Beth asks.

” Pain. Uncertainty. And Work. We will always have to work through our shadow.” Jane recites to Beth, like a kindergarten child would.

” you got it, Jane. You got it ”

On the coast on Sardinia, a little boy screamed for his mama as he saw a human hand reaching out of the sand. He had thought it was a jellyfish and sought to dig it out for mama to see.

When the police came, however, the hand was nowhere to be found.

They put a request out for witnesseses and a woman responded.

“I saw this lady walking by the beach, with a thin jacket around her. She was wearing black nike shoes and had a red scarf around her neck. She looked cold, and had a blank look on her face.

My sister and I were having our weekly picnic when she walked past us. She had said “excuse me,” in a quiet whisper, almost inaudibly.

I took notice of her because she was asian. And it was odd to see asian tourists in Sardinia during winter. She walked over to that side of the beach, over where the rocks are, and she sat down for a long while.

Before we left, I had glanced over in her direction and she was lying down sideways, her head on her right arm, her face staring right into the ocean.

She seemed sad. And I wondered what had happened. But I didn’t want to disturb.”

No one had seen how Jane died.

But that was the day her anguish consumed her and she took her own life. Before she died, the tragic last words on her mind were of Marianne’s –

” We don’t owe you anything. Idk how to make it clearer to you…. stop trying to analyse us because it’s really pathetic and stop trying to analyse why his behaviour “changed”. He did it only to have a smooth divorce. Now that the divorce is done so is he! Guess what? If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it is a fucking duck. End of story. 

Get that into your thick skull honey. Empty vessels make the most noise. Not everything is about you my dear child. Take a real good look in the mirror and stop acting like someone you’re not. At least we don’t pretend to be something we’re not. 

Yes i am being a bitch – i do not deny that but our past 9 months of silence while you defame him has already been a kindness to you, the poor ex who is healing from a marriage she didn’t want in the first place. Go figure. Our first move after this email will be to file a police report- not that you would get into any trouble so don’t worry yet, but so that we have an official record of what’s been happening. Also hold your dramatic horses because this isn’t a threat- we’re genuinely emotionally tired of constantly hearing from you and we aren’t public like you because honestly no one gives a real shit so this is our only recourse.

Our advice to you is to actually move on with some grace, composure and whatever dignity you have left. Handle your guilt for your failure in a better more constructive way and do something real with your life. This chapter is over so close it. Thanks and have a good life! ”

His hands were shaking after he put down the phone.

Marianne was feeding the cats and Gideon walked over to the sofa with a dazed look in his eyes.

“Baby, what do you want for dinner tonight?” Marianne asks.

Gideon doesn’t say anything, but slowly looks up at her.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Marianne asks. She doesn’t recognize this look on his face. Is it shock? Or fear? She couldn’t tell.

“Chaos just called….Jane. She….she committed suicide.”

Silence in the air.

And then peanut tries to leap onto a stool but falls and makes a big noise.

The two of them look at Peanut and he thinks it’s because he’s in trouble again.

Then they look at each other, and Marianne swallows a big gulp of saliva down her throat.

Finally, after what seems like a long ticking minute of loud silent ringing in the hair……

“This is my fault. We killed her.” Marianne says, as clutches Gideon’s hand onto her lap.

Almost instantly, Gideon pulls his hand away from her abruptly, stands up in their living room.

The living room always seemed spacious enough, for them and all of their cats. Now, the air seemed too stale, and something was choking up inside of his throat. He couldn’t stand the bile rising up, his head suddenly felt too giddy.

“I’m going for a walk,” Gideon tells his wife who is 3 months pregnant.

He puts his arms into the sleeves of his jacket, and for a brief moment a memory flashes across his mind.

Jane wearing the same exact jacket, her walking slowly in the boots she brought when she first came to visit him in the US.

That was the trip he had proposed to her. That was the trip he had promised her the world.

And now, Jane is dead.

There is a quiet stillness when you can feel your own power, quietly stirring within you.

This year, anger transformed me. The more I allowed anger to seep into my bones, the more I was able to shed layer after layer of the old conditioning.

And with that power comes an intuitive knowledge that anger needs to be quelled. The hardest thing to do is not allow anger to manifest into horrible actions. It is much harder to deal with your own anger and still find peace than to lash out onto people who don’t deserve it.

Anger aside, I also experienced a whole new sense of self and knowledge. It was as if, almost overnight, I had downloaded another lifetime’s worth of wisdom and lessons. These memories don’t live in my consciousness, but have built me a self-esteem so strong that I seem to have been reborn.

I don’t understand a lot of things yet. But I also know I awakened many times this year. And with every awakening, I have more and more clarity. Clarity about my own purpose and an ability to see through people. To really suss out their heart and feel…..if they have good or bad intentions.

It’s an ability that has to be honed, and so I will become more reclusive next year. Next year will be a time to recuperate even more from the emotional abuse I suffered from you know who. I recently heard they’re having a child. God bless this child. May God grant this child a peaceful childhood and a strong heart and that they may bring happiness to their parents.

Love is always the answer. Never hate. But sometimes people choose to grow hatred in their hearts because the hurt they suffered before was too hard to bear.

Usually, this is because they had parents who didn’t know how to love them the way they needed to be loved.

People often ask me why I talk more about marianne than Gideon. I don’t know why. Gideon is easy to figure out because I knew him. And he is a simple creature. Marianne isn’t. She is something else. I suppose I’m kinda curious as to why she is like this. And also, why she wanted to hurt me so much. But I’m probably getting ahead of myself because my sources say she is as mean to others as she is to me. I wonder what had happened to her once and whether love can cure her virus.

I don’t think Marianne quite understood what it meant to prod and poke me. She probably wishes she never got involved in my failing marriage. She sobs about not having privacy and being exposed of her deeds. I don’t understand that mindset. It’s like when you kill someone in private, get caught on camera by the neighbour and blame him for exposing your crime. Only she didn’t kill me and also couldn’t succeed at threatening me into silence.

How do you keep running from yourself like that? More comfortable living in the shadows and hiding from the world? Either way, I dont owe her any privacy because she never cared about mine. I don’t owe her anything, because she never gave me anything. In fact, what I really owe her is a glimpse of my fury. She would marvel at the Palace that’s been built in her honour within me. I have so much anger that was stirred up because of her that her face is now placed on a throne in the Palace of fury in my heart.

If marianne is worried and wants to install another security footage or move home just because she thinks I will hurt her. She need not worry. I am not her. I don’t think like her. And I’ll never act like her. What she fears is a reflection of her own thoughts and is evident of how she has been treating others. Summoning up lawyers, bringing people to court to threaten them, and then, like a coward, backing out last minute because she didn’t intend to follow through on her empty threats. So much weakness. And so many attempts to use private words to scare me.

I will never be like her.

Because unlike her, l know how to control myself and not behave like a trigger fish when in mating season.

Unlike her, I will never allow hatred to supercede love within me.

What Marianne doesn’t know is how hard I try to love her, even though she doesn’t deserve it.

And that is the greatest gift I will ever give her.

“Jane you’re so stubborn and it’s so hard to talk you out of things” – was a constant complaint I would hear from people.

“Jane, you’re so critical of yourself, you have to let things go”

“Jane, why are you so easily bothered by things that don’t concern you? Why do you care?”

“Jane, I just want to talk casually with you, why must every conversaton be turned into a discussion over serious topics?”

For 30 years of my life, I heard these things about me but couldn’t explain why I felt these impulses were written into my DNA.

Of course, there were good things even I would acknowledge about myself as well. Like my tenacity. My drive. The way I always want to be a better version of myself. The way I have now learned, after so many years, to just say “I agree, you were right” (took me a lot to learn this but it was so worth it)

People give so much credit to “Princesses” and “Angels” but they don’t realize that everyone has good and bad within them, and it’s impossible to be perfect.

I strived so hard to be “perfect” all of my life, and my divorce taught me I didn’t need to be. I’m NOT perfect and that’s NORMAL.

Learning about the Human design system has helped me so much. It’s shown me insight into why I am the way I am, and how I can express my inner thoughts better. I’ve got so much to share. Human design also explained to me why my life seemed so “complicated” even though it was never in my path to lead that life. I was in fact, manifesting into a false self ever since I took the easy way out by trying to fit into society.

Just wanted to document the beginnings of yet another learning journey. ✨️

I’ve been doing well at work. And I know it. I’m proud that I’ve been doing well despite so many challenges.

But I couldn’t stop the anxiety attack that still came after two whole weeks of stress.

To make things worse, certain triggers came up and emotionally, I felt really weak as well.

The difference now….was that I became immediately aware it was an attack, and not reflective of my true self. It was scary dealing with anxiety.

I didn’t feel like myself anymore.

I felt like my thoughts were controlled by anxiety, telling me things I knew weren’t true and yet felt real because the conditioning is strong.

Then, I had a dream. D and I met up in my dream. We were friendly with each other. He told me the truth for once. That he knew it was a mistake marrying me. And that he never really did love me. It was all a show.

He told me he was sorry for lying to me all throughout the relationship, even marrying me just because he thought it was the right thing to do. I told him it was fine. Because I probably didnt want to marry him either. It wasn’t just him who messed up. We both just made wrong decisions.

In my dream, I said to D. Please take care of Marianne and your new family. Don’t fuck up and not change your life. Be good to them. Be good to yourself.

I woke up. And for some reason, I felt like myself again. Anxiety was still around but at least she let me lead the way now.

Documenting this because it feels like it takes a lifetime to understand ourselves. It also takes reminders to shake us out of our funk sometimes.

Life is so beautiful. Life is good. And especially now that I’m studying Human design, I also know that life is faithful. And that we all have our unique capabilities to be human.

My speech changed from a perfectionist’s tone to a more logical one. I reasoned with myself. And calmed anxiety down.

The next time anyone has an anxiety attack, practice this.

1. Close your eyes and take 5 deep breaths.

2. Open your eyes slowly and point out 3 things you can see, 3 things you can hear and 3 things you can feel or smell.

3. Then ask yourself, are you in danger now? Look around you and really ask yourself. Are you in danger? In fact, you’re probably safe. You feel it? Do you realize you’re in a safe space?

4. Now, imagine the thing giving you anxiety. Now find the root source of that. Follow the breadcrumb trail and figure out when you once felt this emotion. Sit with that emotion for a little.

5. Honour that story. Acknowledge what happened in the past that made you feel this way. Be aware of how your past self felt and wasn’t given the chance to emote or express.

6. Express for your past self. Move your body. Find ways to express how you felt. And then give your memory a proper burial and grieve over it for as long as you need.

7. Journal. Do art. Take a walk. Run. Read. Write. Do whatever it takes…..for your anxiety to slowly put its guard now. Drink water. Get good rest. And I promise you in these 20 mins you will feel calmer.

Sending all my love.

I like writing about good and bad times. Both equally interesting to me. Mundane moments of life are for rest and when I’m resting, I don’t feel like writing.

So I call out emotions from my subconscious whenever they get triggered, and I write a story based on how those events made me feel. And how I feel towards those events change very drastically depending on which version of my Self is experiencing the emotions again.

Sometimes, I still get freaking disgusted by the way I used to behave at a young age. Then my current Self remembers to show empathy to my younger self and say, but that taught you this. And you’re better off now because of it.

Sometimes I forget to take stock of how amazing life is. And then I meet someone who’s just starting to travel and is 1.5 weeks into their one-way ticket journey and I remember how unreal life seemed back when I first decided to solo travel

The point is, how we feel about things will change. Because the self changes. And often times, we feel multiple emotions at once. It’s just that every time you call out a memory, a single emotion dominates and we have to give it attention and acknowledgment. Once it got to say its piece, it’ll settle down and you’ll know part of you is healing.

I highly encourage you to have conversations with your Self. It’s a great way to uncover your own secrets and deepest thoughts.

I don’t need you to love me

I don’t need you to care

But fuck it if you’re gonna break me

At least make sure you got the colour of my hair right.

Marianne, I count my lucky stars when we met.

I have asked myself again and again why you dwell in my subconscious.

I ask myself why you come to me in my recurring dreams – always crying.

I don’t know you at all as a person, but a teacher disguised as You came to me so often, I had to first pull down that mask to discover the true lesson. And you have taught me an important lesson. That the most powerful emotion in the world is not actually love, but empathy.

The greatest “good” in the world is only as powerful as the greatest “evil”. But what exactly is good and evil? They are only but strongly opposing emotions, unable to agree on the agreed upon rules.

Empathy is powerful because having empathy means knowing both sides. She isnt all knowing but because she chooses to understand, she allows both strong opposing forces to flow through her. Empathy allows us to acknowledge both sides of a coin, both dark and light, yin and yang.

Just as showing and receiving love is something we can choose to do, once we learn how to, showing empathy is uqually the same.

Yes we are not only as good or as bad as our actions but we can also decide to act differently precisely cause we embody both good and bad, and that’s how we are supposed to be.

Alas however, it is still important that we choose our actions wisely. For when it comes to our karmic patterns and following our soul’s purpose, It’s not who we ARE but what we do. And everytime we betray ourselves by reacting disproportionately and unfairly to events, we lose a part of ourselves and forget slowly who we are.

We have to remember we are all completely capable of both “good or bad” thoughts, intentions and emotions. Because, at the core of us, at the centre of us all, is not only love. Its pure energy projected into actions, motivated by intentions. And intentions matter, because they govern our actions.

What we think is good or bad is too simplistic by nature. We are such complex beings.

Black and white are different shades of grey. And you have to realize that within us, exists both postive nd negative pulls.

People are BOTH shadow and light.

By now, Marianne, I understand now that the You I often keep in my subconscious may not really you, but it’s Me. Because I don’t really know you, do I?

Your actions just reminded parts of me I hadn’t been in touch with for a long time.

The anger I had against you, was really just directing my attention to my past. Not just trauma that belongs to me. But intergenerational trauma belonging to my mother, my mother’s mother and my ancestors before.

Marianne, I hope you know by now, you’re just reading about my experience as any reader would, unsure about what I’m actually trying to say. Those who know, will know. Those who understand, will understand. And for those whose these words will awaken, they will.

I have so much anger towards what you did to me, but I know that love and hate lie on the same spectrum, and by hating your actions I’ve also learned about the shadow side of my self. Because of your hateful behaviour towards me, you showed me how important it is that I work on true forgiveness and embracing my shadow.

This lesson matters so much to me, because I always knew I found love overrated. But true love can only come from true empathy, and so in a way, love still is a powerful emotion. Yet without ever having experienced true love before, it’s difficult to understand how to love or be loved.

How do we experience true love?

We touch base with ourselves, and as cliche as it sounds, we can easily tap into pure love, by looking within. Meeting you has taught me so many important lessons. That we CAN cultivate love as a natural resource within ourselves.

Especially as women, who hold womb power within us.

Marianne, there’s nothing to forgive.

You’re just on your own path and I am on mine. We’re two people on our own karmic paths having to right the wrongs of our ancestors. Go your way and be set free.