Shame vs Guilt

I can’t do it.

I still can’t write my story. My point of view. Without worrying it will cause her to feel shame. Without worrying she will feel so affected ill have to go to court again.

I have been trying to write the same story for 3 years. And I still cannot revisit the crime scene without feeling like I’m the worst person in the world if I make her feel what she made me feel.

I cannot stop the natural guilt from happening because I only feel empathy for her.

I don’t feel anything towards my ex because I know he doesn’t give a shit. But I cannot help but think to myself – don’t do to her what she did to you. Don’t make her feel so small she wants to disappear. Don’t ever let her feel the terrible shame you felt when she mocked you for ruining your marriage. Don’t be responsible for making her ever consider suicide as an option.

Of course, all of these thoughts only live in my head. She probably only cares about whether she can get a job, how she looks to her family , and in general what society might think of her. If i ever fully write out my story.

A friend of mine said “screw empathy, speak your truth. Let them speak theirs if they want. ”

And that’s the thing, our truths are so intertwined and yet so separate.

If I were to write a story from my POV they will always be painted as guilty. And even if they really are, I can’t do anything to paint them otherwise.

I paint out my own mistakes of course. So people have the full understanding of what happened. But I’m not a historian. And I don’t intend to write history.

I just want to write a story to show people it’s possible to heal from trauma and its possible to save yourself from suicide ideation.

I just want to reach out to the many people who have shared their own stories with me and let them know it’s okay to feel weak. It’s okay to feel inadequate. But that we can all get better and do better.

Can we though, really?

We can. But it gets tiring sometimes. It gets lonely. It gets depressing.

Don’t give up though, you hear me? I’m not giving up.

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