I have or had a lot of anger. Anger at who? Who knows by now?

The immediate people I can think of to be angry with, I no longer am. Which makes me think that after almost 3 years, I’ve managed to wrestle with my anger.

I made many mistakes along the way, don’t get me wrong. My anger has slipped by me and done a few things I’m not proud of. But I have enough compassion left for myself to be reminded that dealing with anger….really dealing with it and not suppressing it, is a difficult thing to do.

At first I didn’t even notice the anger. I only felt happiness and excitement for my life ahead. It took probably 14 months for the initial shock of the divorce to set in, then another 6 months of drama that evolved from the consequences of someone else venting her anger on me, which in turn caused me to know of my anger. Her presence in my life was the spark I needed to get livid. With who?

The thing is. Whoever you name out next. Is who you have pre-determined as the villain in your story. An ex husband? An abusive father? An annoying boss?

Our current world has infected many of us with main character syndrome, letting many of us think there’s always a protagonist (us) versus a villain we have to conquer and fight. This IS how the world behaves right now. Everything becomes personal. Every argument becomes tied to our identity as a person.

In many ways, our anger is valid. How can you not get angry if a crime has been done against you, but not held to justice? How many times have you been made a fool because of your kindness? How many times have we fallen over, almost tipping past the line of no return, and still no one cared?

But valid anger is not a valid reason to keep anger in our lives. Why? For the very fact that it is like letting toxins into our bloodstream. Anger is a tonic best served with compassion, if not, it’s just a deadly potion mix that can kill, or cause us to be killed.

We find a cure to our anger, not for the villains. Not for the people who bullied us. Not for their salvation. Fuck their salvation. Everyone is on a karmic path to clear their karma. We leave them be. And focus on dealing with our anger.

We work on our anger, so we pull out the thorns they struck into us. And we start sucking out the venom. Sure, some people might say they should be served the consequences of their actions. But I don’t believe in killing, even if you were just defending yourself. Killing must never be an intention. So, if you do, my post is not for you.

Either way, once I found out that anger was like a black hole in my life, sucking in everything worth being happy about, including the emotion happiness itself, I set a firm mind to quell anger.

What helped the most was learning how to turn myself into the narrator of the story, instead of the protagonist or the victim. I was sick of the victim blaming. That didn’t get me anywhere. I wanted to move on in life and just heal well from my wounds.

I started looking inward, and human design gave me a compassionate way to look at myself in the mirror, without feeling so ashamed I have to look away. I was ashamed of the many times I acted out of character. The many times I behaved like my worst self would.

I began looking at my bullies as just people I was angry with. Were they bad people? No I don’t believe so. Will they continue doing bad things to otherS? That’s none of my business. I have to look at my own life and figure myself out. In a way, Marianne was right about this. We cannot hope to get justice from the people who wronged us. I can never hope to get justice from her and Gideon. I don’t have to be happy for them, though. I don’t need to wish them well. But I can let them go.

That’s how you start feeling better. When you let go of the role of being the victim and start becoming the narrator to narrate how you want your life to be.

I understand the heaviness of not being seen, acknowledged, or felt. So my only advice would be to find a therapist. As cheaply as you can. Enter therapy to change your life.

That’s all for today, sending everyone a piece of peace.